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Wreckonciled
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Name: Whitney
Location: Austin, Texas, United States
Birthday: 10/1/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: I'm passionate about music. Living through other musician's pain and loss, you know you are never alone. There is always an emphatic note to be heard or understanding chorus to sing along with. I'm learning to love God more than I ever have. People. I want to make a difference, even if it's only a small one. Philosophy is phenomenal, critiquing the world through new, radical perspectives.
Expertise: All American Rejects, A New Found Glory, Ataris, ACCEPTANCE, Ben Folds, Blue October, Bowling For Soup, BRAND NEW, Box Car Racer, Breaking Benjamin, Damien Rice, DASHBOARD, DEATHCAB, Eve6, Everclear, FALL OUT BOY, Finch, FORMAT, Further Seems Forever, Goo Goo Dolls, Good Charlotte, Green Day, Hoobastank, Incubus, Jack Johnson, JIMMY EAT WORLD, John Mayer, Killers, LOVEDRUG, Mae, MATCHBOOK ROMANCE, My Chemical Romance, POSTAL SERVICE, ROCKET SUMMER, Simple Plan, Starting Line, Story Of The Year, Straylight Run, SOMETHING CORPORATE, Sugarcult, Sublime, Switchfoot, TAKING BACK SUNDAY, Third Eye Blind, Toadies, Unwritten Law, Used, Yellowcard.
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/21/2005
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| How did it all
get so far away from me? Sometimes I don't even know what I'm
doing. Sometimes, there are just some people you never get
over. And sometimes it's better just to forget. I'm not sad
by any means, but I'm ready to know the direction I'm intended to go,
if there is one. Is loving a person enough reason to not give up
on them? Or is that just the fantasy friendship, relationship, or
family I have depicted in my own mind?
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| Lately, my life has been thrown into a spiral of never ending confusion
and frustration. I've been on emotional highs from severe
despair, to unwaivering anger. School has me sitting on the edge,
and life is ready to push me off with everything it is dealing to me in
the personal aspects. BUT I have amazing friends with
unconditional love who I know I could turn to at any moment. I
don't deserved to be walked on, like some individuals have chosen to
do. I really think it's a sad crime when people hurt others, just
because they were hurt at some point in time. It's almost similar
to giving up hope on themselves, since they are so afraid to take that
extra step. I suppose it's easier to some to simply give
up. Maybe I'm just too optimistic about some things, but one
thing that I have always believed in is love. Love for a
FRIEND. Love for GOD. Love for FAMILY. Love for a
STRANGER. And even sometimes love for a SPOUSE.
I think America has tainted the word love, and instead of it being an
enduring feeling, it only lasts for months between some. Well,
when I tell somebody I love them, it's forever. I will never
forget. Perhaps the majority of people see love as a some cheap
ferris wheel. You go around in circles for a while, with no clear
objective in sight. Sometimes, you are really high in the sky, and
within another rotation, you are at the bottom. Finally, when the
ride is over, you exit the car seat, and that's it. Never trying
to question the ending or the reason of leaving. Simply once it
hits ground, it's over and you are expected to walk away. I wish
people could have the will to do something more and take control of
their relationships, whether they be platonic or romantic.
Thursday was a bad day, and my break up which is still a fresh wound
was really getting to me for some reason. Well, as I was walking
to class that evening for a presentation, a gentleman on a bicycle had
a plastic bag that broke and therefor all of his books fell into the
middle of the street. At first I was tempted to walk away and
pretend I didn't see anything, but something was telling me not
to. So I helped him get his books together, but unfortunately he
couldn't carry them all, now that the bag had broken. I looked on
my right shoulder, and realized how much my canvas bag from Cancun
could help him out and how much I really did not need it at the
time. His smile and his gratitude made me feel a little happier,
and that was all I needed. Those RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS, which
are so small, can change people's day so much, and that's what love for
a stranger means.
I know this entry is really long, and I'm sorry. But now I feel
like I have said what I needed to, and thank you for reading.
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| I am tired of
waiting for "purpose" to fall into my life. I have been running
around in circles, because I feel dead to the world. The only
reason someone like me could ever possibly not have a purpose, is
because I refuse to find one. It's time to open my eyes. I
was debating the possibility today of giving myself the wrong
initiative in life. But a great friend reminded me, that if its
something I chose and love, how could it be wrong? Thanks Chart.
I have tried Young
Life, and it wasn't my calling. I have tried the sorority life,
and that definitely was not my place. So what? I have to
find the right path to take, and undoubtedly I will stumble into
unfamiliar territory. Now, I just have to weed out the various
choices. I'm sure I can enjoy myself along the way. I love
politics and understanding it from various perspectives, so maybe I
should involve myself in the Texas Libertarian Longhorns, or even the
official party. Perhaps I could still mentor children in the high
schools, but without religious implications. I will find my
place, and until I do I should view my mistakes as a means of getting
there. Afterall, with each thing I find out is wrong for me,
that's one less activity for me to worry about....
I need time to reflect. I don't want to be alone, but there has
to be some reason for all of this. Maybe I am less independent
than I thought, but I am ready to regain that desire. There are
so many things I miss, and there is alot of pain, but maybe finding
this "niche" will help quell the majority of the hurt.
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| Thinking about life today, and all of the wrong turns I have managed to
take the past year and a half, made me realize something
disheartening. I am so afraid to die. I am unbelievabley
frightened of disappearing off the face of this planet, and I think
it's because my faith isn't nearly as strong as I claim it to be
sometimes. I am a hypocrite, simply put, with nothing but
hope. Is that hope empty though? Who am I to think with all
of my awful, awful, mistakes that I have any business teaching young
high schoolers about God? If anything, I could hurt their
potential relationships. I need to be right with myself before I
can give back to others.
I even question the relationship I have with Cliff now. He's
atheist, and I care for him so much, but I'm scared that I could be
pulling him even further away from any faith he might still
embrace. At this point, I feel like my touch is tainted and that
I only have the ability to hurt those around me. Cliff deserves
better than some troubled kid who doesn't know anything about herself
and has no business being in a committed relationship. I am so
foolish. Foolish for believing that there was any worth at the
core of the person I was, and still am. Foolish for believing
that I'm ok again.
Well, I don't think I'll ever be perfectly whole. There will
always be this inexplainable abyss that will get the best of me
sometimes. I don't want to admit to my sometimes intimidating and
detrimental behavior, but that's a part of who I am and what I'm trying
to fix. I can't deal with any issue in a healthy manner, if I
can't recognize it. For the time being, I need to figure out who
I am, and what my values truly are. I'm so afraid to die without
having these things answered. I don't want to vanish as another
lost cause.
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| Blue October's New CD just came out
today. This band is amazing
and this song is the perfect way to describe me. My heart still
goes out to those who have helped me through everything with my dad, or
even just transferring to a new school. This song doesn't
necessarily have to be about love (as long as you omit the kiss
line). Even though it
is on their new CD, they have played it for quite some time at all of
their concerts. For those of you who have heard it, I know you
love it as well. It's really difficult to not admire the
expression in the words. I strongly encourage everyone to buy
this
album. It's a wonderful way to pour out yourself; there's nothing
better than a musician's unconditional understanding. Simply
beautiful.
18th Floor Balcony
I close my eyes
And I smile, knowing that everything's alright
To the core, close the door
Is this happenning?
My breath is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand and we stand
Just taking in everything
And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
We're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are on this 18th floor balcony
We're both flying away
We talked about moms and dads
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happenning to me
I raise my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm so yours for the taking
That's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say
And then you kissed me
I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
We're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are on this 18th floor balcony
We're both flying away
And when I sleep, I'll keep you in my dreams
So I can bring you home with me
I'll try to sleep
When I do, I'll keep you in my dreams.
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